How many times has your life splashed into vivid new color; expanded, changed, and dismantled into something new over the course of your yatra- journey?
That is what has recently occurred in my world; a new working environment; a new city; a new relationship; new friends; new yoga kula; a new ME. A celebration of expansion via Shakti flow on full blast!
It’s been wonderfully crazy.
The dismantling accompanying the expansion has been very frightening at times. The shadow in all the dazzling light, cool dis-ease when you most want to be happy. It’s that fear that I react to, recoil and wiggle away from; and I do it by “checking out”, not really being in the present moment of my own expansion. Instead of celebrating, I check out by torturing myself with ridiculous inner dialogue:
“Is this real?” Well, it is happening, isn’t it?
“Do I deserve this?” Who would determine that anyway?
“What would so-and-so think?” Again, why are we giving power to so and so?
“Will it last?” It has a better chance if you stop this ridiculous questioning!
And I question everyone around me..
“Are you sure?” Yes, that’s why I am here.
“How do you know?” Why is the sky blue?
“Convince me you care.” Give me a chance.
I am strangling my own happiness with this fear management style I attend to. I resort to it because culturally we are educated to “research the situation and protect ourselves”…to prudently ask the questions so we will to not be proved “stupid” later. That’s the “smart” thing to do.
But sometimes,
when those questions really have no sure answer
Life reminds me to Believe.
It turns me on my head
expands my heart
and suddenly
I am right where I should be, despite all my “intelligent” checking out, questioning doubts, anxiety-ridden inner dialogue.
Jai Life! Celebrate its joys and shadows.
One of my favorite writings, from Tao of Healing by Haven Trevino, meditation 36:
To create, dismantle first. To expand, contract first.
To attain clarity, allow confusion.
To become civilized, first live in the wind.
The balance of all things is in their opposites; the truth points in both directions.
Thus the clenched fist holds weakness..and the open hand offers the hidden power of the suns!
Lovely Summer Solstice to you.
Namaste’
